i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
