dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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