Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
