exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
