Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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