Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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