I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
this is an emotional support booty call
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
