Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Everclear isn't food dammit
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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