Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Come share oat with me in your robe
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
