If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
