I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
