You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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