Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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