rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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