I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
