Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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