Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
