i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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