We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
