my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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