Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I want a musical about memes.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
