he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
