Non-Jews are for practice
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
