his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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