i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
