just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
