btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize