I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
