Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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