Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
