so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
