Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
