i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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