We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
