best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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