i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
