Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
