the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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