Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
