You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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