You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
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they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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