I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
