Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
