I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
