Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
