I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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