I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
