Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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