maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh god it's open bar.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
