buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
