maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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