things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
