this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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