i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
